Disruption of a "Room of my Own"

This vacation has been a complete wash, which I should have figured when it comes to being with my family.  The only positive moments I have had were the ones when I was alone with my own thoughts.  If it wasn't for those brief moments to myself, I think I would have lost my mind the second day of this vacation.

There is so much that I wish to blog about, but unfortunately I am experiencing the inability to write or express myself because I do not have a room of my own. :)  I have not had a single moment to myself since we arrived here last Friday.  I am always surrounded by someone and as a result, I cannot reflect on my own thoughts and get them down into physical words.  There is always someone talking (even if it's just talking to themselves like my mom and sister do) so I try and focus by listening to music on the headphones.  Unfortunately that does not help because they often talk to me anyway while I am listening to my music and get pissed when I don't respond to them.  All in all, I have no privacy and no time to reflect on my own thoughts without being interrupted or distracted.

I have learned through these couple of days about how important having a "room of my own" or at least some private time is so important to me and my ability to express myself.  I am having such a difficult time on this vacation because I have lost my own time and privacy.  I can't imagine being trapped with my family in a small space for longer than this week.  But there are so many out there that do this on a daily basis for their entire lives.  Knowing my personality and my attitudes toward my family, I am so blessed to have this invasion of privacy and lack of creativity be only temporary.  I can only imagine if someone tried to make me do this for longer than this week.  I would rather die.

This whole vacation has been terrible and I cannot wait until it is over.  But I am glad that I have learned a lot more about myself through this (and at least pulled something good out of all this mess).  I have learned that I am no longer the child my parents cared for, that I am completely ready to be off on my own and start a new chapter in my life sans family, that I need a "room of my own"and finally, that family vacations are now a very bad idea. :)

Some of my Favorite Photos

I am a fan of photography.  I can't afford a nice and good quality camera, so I try to do the best with what I have been given.  Here is just a sample of some of my favorite pictures that I have taken throughout the years.  They are going from most recent to oldest.  These are just a few for now!!!  Enjoy!!!

Some Wedding Considerations

Last night was my cousin Erin's wedding.  It was a very beautiful and classy event and the newly married couple looked so happy.  It was also a very important event for me as well, because it is the first and probably last wedding I will attend before my own.

Knowing this, I paid extra attention to how this whole event was planned out.  It is going to be a Catholic wedding for the most part, despite the fact that both Tony and I are non-believers.  I want to be married in a church by someone that has known me since I was a child, and I feel that not having a Catholic wedding would be too much for both sets of families.  Erin's was also a Catholic wedding and so I got a good taste for what a Catholic wedding involves.  I have three grievances with it:

1) God.  Yup, for someone who is atheist it is going to be pretty difficult for a priest to refer to me as a "believer" and to talk about living in "God's grace" and "following God's will".  For every other atheist this would probably be a breaking point for them, but I am willing to fake it for the sake of my and Tony's parents.  I know it sounds underhanded and why should I fake something that important, but right now I don't see any other alternative.  Ideally I would not want a religious ceremony, but my family is VERY good at making my life miserable when I don't follow along with their traditions.  We will see, though it did make me seriously consider if I wanted a religious ceremony.

2) Patriarchy.  The Catholic Church is VERY good at this.  Erin and Brian did a good job of removing most of the male-dominated readings and whatnot ("Wives, obey your husbands" etc.), but you cannot really change what the priest is required to say by Catholic dogma.  There were subtle comments and words used that rubbed me the wrong way, often hinting at the woman's role for having children (see final grievance) and the role of the woman to be submissive and the male's role to provide.  Finally, the couple is introduced after their marriage as Mr and Mrs. Male's Name.  Not once was Erin's name mentioned after they were introduced as a couple and that bothers me.  I don't mind taking the man's name after marriage (though I think women should have that choice on whether or not to do that), but I want my name to be included when we are introduced.  Just saying the male's name implies that I am now owned by him.

2.a)  This brings me to a small side note.  I am also bothered by the "giving away" of the bride by the father.  I am not very close to my father as it is and I certainly don't appreciate this idea of a father "owning" his daughter and then putting "ownership" to the new husband.  Although my father might be a little insulted, I refuse to have him "give me away".  I am owned by no one and I want to walk down to my future husband by myself.  That way it symbolizes the independence of both parties before our union.

3) Children.  It is no secret that I don't like kids.  I think one day I will want to have children, but not for a very long time.  My fiance knows, understands and agrees with me.  As such, I am not going to use a flowergirl or ringbearer for my wedding.  It's just too cutesy.  Erin chose the same thing and I was glad for that.  Additionally, during the Catholic wedding the reference to having children was pretty apparent.  It was like nothing else mattered for the new couple than to have children that would also grow in the Catholic way.  It almost sounded like they were desperate for new blood.  Anyway, if I could change that I would have possibly ONE reference to that, instead of the four or five times it was mentioned during the 45 minute ceremony.  I am NOT a baby-making factory and yes, I am going to use contraception (gasp!) before and after I am married.  I didn't go to two very expensive and good quality higher education facilities to just be like, "Oh, I guess now my only goal is to have as many children as God allows".  Hell no.  You'd have to rip my profession from away my cold dead hands after I worked so hard to get where I am. 

So this wedding was for sure a learning experience as well as a celebration for me.  I am so glad that I went, both to see my extended family and celebrate as well as to learn more about what I want in my wedding.  Now I am convinced that a Catholic wedding is not really what I want, but there are still some qualities to it that I find very important for when I get married.  I am probably going to have a pretty tough decision.

Sorry for the bitch-fest when it comes to the wedding.  I am glad that I am getting some of my preferences really down though, this is will be very helpful when it comes to planning our own.

My Mother

Alice Walker asks women in her essay, "In Search of Our Mother's Gardens" to think back through our mothers in history.  Virigina Woolf also states a similar claim that women need to search back through other women to find our true history.  Given that I am basically trapped with my mother for the next week (on "vacation"), I have taken some time today to reflect on this.

My mother came from a household that was run independently.  Her own mother did not raise her per se, as she always locked herself in her room and never really came out.  Being the eldest daughter in a family of 8, she took it upon herself to raise her younger siblings.  My mom's father was an abusive alcoholic who was never around.  They were hovering around the poverty line and my mom took the first chance she could to escape from it all.  She finished college part-time while working as a registered nurse.  Then she married my father, who is a doctor, and hasn't worked a day since my sister was adopted.

Knowing her background, I can understand where we would butt heads.  I am an independent, self-reliant young woman who enjoys privacy.  She is a group-centered, family-oriented, social and public person.  We rarely have anything in common.  She likes to talk, I am extremely quiet.  She always has to be around someone, I'd prefer to be alone.  She's extremely religious and I am atheist.

I hate to say it, but my mother had made me this way.  Every single thing she has done to change me has been met with adverse reaction.  But, I understand her need to be a controlling mother.  Her own mother didn't care about her and locked herself away.  Because I also enjoy privacy and being alone, she freaks out whenever I start acting similar to her mother.  This is why we can never get along.  I am too much like her mother and she vowed to never be her mother.  Seeing me acting private, disconnected and quiet, she sees everything that she never wanted to be.  I can probably assume that she thinks that she failed as a mother, because I am turning into hers.

There is nothing wrong with the way that I am.  This is just how I have developed.  If my mother didn't have such a difficult life, there probably wouldn't be anything wrong with her either.  But the anger, the defensiveness and the hate she feels for her upbringing falls upon us, and I am held up to expectations that given my personality I will never achieve.  She doesn't know how to communicate and as a result I didn't learn how to communicate.  She didn't know how to express her anger properly and as a result I didn't either.  Looking back at myself through my mother, I realize just what went wrong for the two of us.

It wasn't until college (and being away from my family) that I learned that I didn't have to become like my mother, and that I don't have to put up with her nonsense.  I learned how to communicate and how to express my anger in appropriate ways.  It took college to have me "un-learn" being my mother.  But, I can still learn about my history through my mother, and learn not to repeat it.

I also think my mother did listen to Walker's advice as well, even though she has never read the essay.  By seeing her mother and vowing to never become her she looked at her history through her mother.  I would completely agree with my mom that she is nothing like her mother.  In a way I am continuing the tradition in this sense, and I hope that by learning and looking through my mother that I can not repeat what has been done.

I know that not everyone has this experience with their mothers, and there is nothing wrong with my experience in comparison to another's.  This is because they don't compare.  Every single woman has a very different experience through her mother, and those experiences impact the next generation and so on.  We cannot compare our familial relationships with another's, because we all come from different backgrounds and are affected differently by it.  This might be something interesting for me to remember if I end up working with families.

Anyway, that's enough reflection on my mother for now.  This vacation is exhausting, and it hasn't even been a two days yet!  I've got a whole week to go...

My Feelings of Abandonment and Adoption

I currently manage a small blog about adoptees and their struggles.  It is still getting out on it's feet, but the feedback I have received from it has been astounding.  As a result, some of my thoughts tonight have been returning back to my struggle with being adopted.  This is a daily struggle.

The feelings of abandonment and loss of identity is so powerful that words cannot describe it.  Those who are born and live with their biological parents are pampered with these feelings of security and certainty that they were brought into the world with love and with an understanding of their background.  Adopted children cannot afford such luxuries.  Sometimes even the most trivial things about families remind us that we don't belong.

I understand that I might sound spiteful, but adoption is not a process that anyone wins in.  Sure, lives are improved and I certainly would not be where I am today if not for adoption.  But, the cost upon the birth parents and the child is immense.

Imagine the pain of a mother who has lost her child, not to death, but to a life where they will never see each other again.  Knowing that every child she sees might be her own, but she would never know.  Imagine the pain of a child who has lost both of their parents, and not knowing why they were abandoned.  The realities of rape, incest, trafficking, abuse and pain flood their thoughts when they think about their birth.  Imagine walking through your entire life wondering what made you so horrible that your parents shoved you on someone else.  The emotions and the raw pain both parties feel is overwhelming.  I am sure each one of us adoptees and birth parents have spent a moment or two wailing alone because we just can't comprehend the pain.

Many people ask me if I want to see my birth mother and father.  I do.  I need a closure on something that I have never been allowed to have.  I want to look my mother and my father in the face and confront them with the consequences of their actions.  To have them look at the pain they have caused me, and to see the success I reaped because of my will to survive.  I am here and happy in this world in spite of all they put against me.  I do not wish to have a relationship with them.  I merely want them to know that I am okay and that their painful sacrifice has given me a chance to succeed.

But will I ever forgive them?  No.

I understand the possible circumstances that led to my adoption, but that does not mean their actions should be forgiven by me.  Mine was an innocent life they chose to punish with abandonment and loss of identity.  By being irresponsible, they not only bought pain and suffering upon themselves but upon an innocent child.  They hid themselves behind confidentiality and left me no contact information when I came asking about them.  I know they are ashamed of themselves and hope that my life is better without them.  It is.

But I want to do something I didn't have a chance to when I was born - to look at them straight in the face with the knowledge of an adult and then have them justify what they did.  Imagine yourself at 37 years of age (my birth father's current age) and having a woman only 16 years younger than yourself waiting for an answer for why you were never in her life.

I wonder if they can even look at themselves in the mirror each morning.

There are just so many painful questions I wish I could ask my birth parents.  At times my heart is filled with so much hate and spite that I cannot control the pain of abandonment.  Other times my heart is warm with understanding and love for the mother that carried me for nine months.  In this critical time where I have accomplished what most only dream of accomplishing, my heart is so torn over what to feel.  I cannot forgive right now.  If I ever see them in this situation, I will only want to see them to make them pay.  I hope that by seeing my face and my disgust at them, they will truly understand the consequences of their actions and that their hearts will bleed for the pain they have caused me.  For now that is all that I want.  My entire birth was completely out of my control and yet I pay for it every single moment of my life.  By making them pay for their consequences, I feel that I could have some way of controlling my life for once.

I apologize for the dark and spiteful nature of this post, but such is the thoughts of one that has felt abandoned by her parents for 21 years.  I hope that by channeling these emotions and feelings when I am working on my Masters that I can heal.  This is why I am so motivated to work in adoption, because no one else but other adoptees can understand the painful process of adoption to the affected children.

I am spent for tonight.  A new topic tomorrow!!!

Lying

When did it become human nature to lie to others?

I have not yet heard of any animals that "lie" to one another, so clearly this must have been something we thought up after we acquired our so-called "higher intelligence".  However, it must have some roots in evolution (at least in a social sense) because of the fact that everyone lies at some point or another.

As children, we are taught that we must always tell the truth.  But soon, a child's honesty is reprimanded because they are often "too honest".  After that, we learn the beauty of the "white lie" and when it is appropriate to tell the truth and when it isn't.  Soon, we all develop into passive-aggressive individuals who yearn to listen to our inner child, but have experienced enough of the world to suppress such urges.  No wonder it is so difficult to maintain friendship and loving relationships, we want so much to tell the truth but we cannot fully express the truth without losing our friendships.  I know that this ironically leads to me losing friendships anyway.

When we are taught as children that lying is wrong, I wonder what has made it so wrong.  In some cases, it is obvious that we should not deceive people.  But what about the grey areas?  If we encourage our children (and ourselves) to be polite and respectful people through omitting comments and white lying, where is the line drawn?  Why can't we either tell the truth or not tell it?  I don't understand how this all became such a complicated measure.  Too many times have we encountered such dilemmas and often either choice results in negative consequences.

Then perhaps we should learn to avoid the whole process together.  Find out when a situation requires us to lie or tell the truth and then avoid such actions.  But then we realize that every single sentence, phrase, or thought we have can either be a lie or a truth.  Sometimes we can even lie to ourselves.

So where on earth is the "real world" in this complicated mass of lies and truths?  What on earth do we know and what do we really not know?  Each person has the choice of telling a lie or a truth and that could have a large impact on how we view our world.  What is a lie and what is a truth?  Could my view of a truth be someone else's lie?  Quite possibly.

How subjective our view of the world is.  I am convinced that there exists no "real world" or a universal acceptance of what our world is.  Perhaps when we break up into nothingness we will move beyond such trivial ways of communicating and truths and lies will cease to exist completely.

What do you think?  Are there universal lies and truths?  Or is our method of communicating with ourselves and others completely up to our own interpretation at all times?