My Feelings of Abandonment and Adoption

I currently manage a small blog about adoptees and their struggles.  It is still getting out on it's feet, but the feedback I have received from it has been astounding.  As a result, some of my thoughts tonight have been returning back to my struggle with being adopted.  This is a daily struggle.

The feelings of abandonment and loss of identity is so powerful that words cannot describe it.  Those who are born and live with their biological parents are pampered with these feelings of security and certainty that they were brought into the world with love and with an understanding of their background.  Adopted children cannot afford such luxuries.  Sometimes even the most trivial things about families remind us that we don't belong.

I understand that I might sound spiteful, but adoption is not a process that anyone wins in.  Sure, lives are improved and I certainly would not be where I am today if not for adoption.  But, the cost upon the birth parents and the child is immense.

Imagine the pain of a mother who has lost her child, not to death, but to a life where they will never see each other again.  Knowing that every child she sees might be her own, but she would never know.  Imagine the pain of a child who has lost both of their parents, and not knowing why they were abandoned.  The realities of rape, incest, trafficking, abuse and pain flood their thoughts when they think about their birth.  Imagine walking through your entire life wondering what made you so horrible that your parents shoved you on someone else.  The emotions and the raw pain both parties feel is overwhelming.  I am sure each one of us adoptees and birth parents have spent a moment or two wailing alone because we just can't comprehend the pain.

Many people ask me if I want to see my birth mother and father.  I do.  I need a closure on something that I have never been allowed to have.  I want to look my mother and my father in the face and confront them with the consequences of their actions.  To have them look at the pain they have caused me, and to see the success I reaped because of my will to survive.  I am here and happy in this world in spite of all they put against me.  I do not wish to have a relationship with them.  I merely want them to know that I am okay and that their painful sacrifice has given me a chance to succeed.

But will I ever forgive them?  No.

I understand the possible circumstances that led to my adoption, but that does not mean their actions should be forgiven by me.  Mine was an innocent life they chose to punish with abandonment and loss of identity.  By being irresponsible, they not only bought pain and suffering upon themselves but upon an innocent child.  They hid themselves behind confidentiality and left me no contact information when I came asking about them.  I know they are ashamed of themselves and hope that my life is better without them.  It is.

But I want to do something I didn't have a chance to when I was born - to look at them straight in the face with the knowledge of an adult and then have them justify what they did.  Imagine yourself at 37 years of age (my birth father's current age) and having a woman only 16 years younger than yourself waiting for an answer for why you were never in her life.

I wonder if they can even look at themselves in the mirror each morning.

There are just so many painful questions I wish I could ask my birth parents.  At times my heart is filled with so much hate and spite that I cannot control the pain of abandonment.  Other times my heart is warm with understanding and love for the mother that carried me for nine months.  In this critical time where I have accomplished what most only dream of accomplishing, my heart is so torn over what to feel.  I cannot forgive right now.  If I ever see them in this situation, I will only want to see them to make them pay.  I hope that by seeing my face and my disgust at them, they will truly understand the consequences of their actions and that their hearts will bleed for the pain they have caused me.  For now that is all that I want.  My entire birth was completely out of my control and yet I pay for it every single moment of my life.  By making them pay for their consequences, I feel that I could have some way of controlling my life for once.

I apologize for the dark and spiteful nature of this post, but such is the thoughts of one that has felt abandoned by her parents for 21 years.  I hope that by channeling these emotions and feelings when I am working on my Masters that I can heal.  This is why I am so motivated to work in adoption, because no one else but other adoptees can understand the painful process of adoption to the affected children.

I am spent for tonight.  A new topic tomorrow!!!