Some Wedding Considerations

Last night was my cousin Erin's wedding.  It was a very beautiful and classy event and the newly married couple looked so happy.  It was also a very important event for me as well, because it is the first and probably last wedding I will attend before my own.

Knowing this, I paid extra attention to how this whole event was planned out.  It is going to be a Catholic wedding for the most part, despite the fact that both Tony and I are non-believers.  I want to be married in a church by someone that has known me since I was a child, and I feel that not having a Catholic wedding would be too much for both sets of families.  Erin's was also a Catholic wedding and so I got a good taste for what a Catholic wedding involves.  I have three grievances with it:

1) God.  Yup, for someone who is atheist it is going to be pretty difficult for a priest to refer to me as a "believer" and to talk about living in "God's grace" and "following God's will".  For every other atheist this would probably be a breaking point for them, but I am willing to fake it for the sake of my and Tony's parents.  I know it sounds underhanded and why should I fake something that important, but right now I don't see any other alternative.  Ideally I would not want a religious ceremony, but my family is VERY good at making my life miserable when I don't follow along with their traditions.  We will see, though it did make me seriously consider if I wanted a religious ceremony.

2) Patriarchy.  The Catholic Church is VERY good at this.  Erin and Brian did a good job of removing most of the male-dominated readings and whatnot ("Wives, obey your husbands" etc.), but you cannot really change what the priest is required to say by Catholic dogma.  There were subtle comments and words used that rubbed me the wrong way, often hinting at the woman's role for having children (see final grievance) and the role of the woman to be submissive and the male's role to provide.  Finally, the couple is introduced after their marriage as Mr and Mrs. Male's Name.  Not once was Erin's name mentioned after they were introduced as a couple and that bothers me.  I don't mind taking the man's name after marriage (though I think women should have that choice on whether or not to do that), but I want my name to be included when we are introduced.  Just saying the male's name implies that I am now owned by him.

2.a)  This brings me to a small side note.  I am also bothered by the "giving away" of the bride by the father.  I am not very close to my father as it is and I certainly don't appreciate this idea of a father "owning" his daughter and then putting "ownership" to the new husband.  Although my father might be a little insulted, I refuse to have him "give me away".  I am owned by no one and I want to walk down to my future husband by myself.  That way it symbolizes the independence of both parties before our union.

3) Children.  It is no secret that I don't like kids.  I think one day I will want to have children, but not for a very long time.  My fiance knows, understands and agrees with me.  As such, I am not going to use a flowergirl or ringbearer for my wedding.  It's just too cutesy.  Erin chose the same thing and I was glad for that.  Additionally, during the Catholic wedding the reference to having children was pretty apparent.  It was like nothing else mattered for the new couple than to have children that would also grow in the Catholic way.  It almost sounded like they were desperate for new blood.  Anyway, if I could change that I would have possibly ONE reference to that, instead of the four or five times it was mentioned during the 45 minute ceremony.  I am NOT a baby-making factory and yes, I am going to use contraception (gasp!) before and after I am married.  I didn't go to two very expensive and good quality higher education facilities to just be like, "Oh, I guess now my only goal is to have as many children as God allows".  Hell no.  You'd have to rip my profession from away my cold dead hands after I worked so hard to get where I am. 

So this wedding was for sure a learning experience as well as a celebration for me.  I am so glad that I went, both to see my extended family and celebrate as well as to learn more about what I want in my wedding.  Now I am convinced that a Catholic wedding is not really what I want, but there are still some qualities to it that I find very important for when I get married.  I am probably going to have a pretty tough decision.

Sorry for the bitch-fest when it comes to the wedding.  I am glad that I am getting some of my preferences really down though, this is will be very helpful when it comes to planning our own.