Recently I have seemed to encounter a lot of comments regarding which status in life might be better; being single or in a relationship?
On Facebook we can find numerous quizzes about when we will have children, when we will get married, or what engagement ring would be right for us. People on Facebook also love to announce their relationship status or comment when it isn't going well. This prompts others to comment regarding their status and what that means for them. These days, it seems that everyone online has an opinion about being single or being in a relationship.
I was recently reading on the Psychology Today blogs that singlehood is often negatively portrayed in media and in social terms. Those who have been single for a long time (and are probably older adults) are often thought to be more selfish, uncontrollable and immoral compared to those who are in a committed relationship. Just watch any episode of Sex and the City and you will realize what I am talking about.
One blogger attempted to address that singles are basically the same, it not better, than those who are in a committed relationship. She explains how couples go to great lengths for their marriage and often go over-the-top to show the world their couple status. I know from my own personal experience that you can for sure be immoral and uncontrollable even when you're in a relationship. Our society is so hinged on monogamous relationships that we excuse those who are in one.
I'm certain that this falls back on to religious and patriarchal ideals of the past. Women are supposed to be married in order to have children and provide for their husbands. This is how it has been for years upon years now. We all know how severe the backlash is against someone who is homosexual or a woman who considers herself feminist, because that goes against traditional view of relationships and how important they are. Hence, a women (or a man) who is single by the time they are late 20s or early 30s has something the matter with them. I completely disagree.
Since when did our status and success in life matter if we had a family or significant other? If men and women are now supposedly given the same opportunities to advance in the workplace, have the same education, and have a choice about their romantic life, then why are we so caught up with marriage and families still? (I'm sure you understand that women still don't have these opportunities, but many traditionalists would want you to think so). Why would we push our daughters and sons through expensive college educations and tell them to pursue their goals if all we really want from them is to find a mate and get married as soon as possible? I'm sure I am not the only one that realizes that we're living in a society with bi-polar expectations here. Be completely independent but co-dependent on another person, having too much of one or the other is wrong in society's eyes.
The point is, there is nothing wrong with being single nor is there nothing wrong with being in a committed relationship. However, our society often makes it feel like there is something wrong with one area or another. People feel they need excuses for why they are in either camp. Why do we cheer when someone falls in love but become upset when a relationship fails? Shouldn't we be happy either way because the person is finding out what they want in life?
I believe that some people are better off completely independent, without someone else constantly in their lives. I also believe that some people enjoy the constant company of another person with whom they are compatible with. And there is nothing wrong with either one of those preferences. We are living in 2009, not 1599. It's time we grow out of this expectation that being in a relationship is more important than anything else in this world. And it's time that either side just relax and accept the other. Let us all live our lives with our own expectations, not impacted by outside expectations and without throwing our own expectations upon others as well.
Funny, I just finished an episode of The Bachelorette, and then I read this blog. I also just had a friend tell me that they were in a relationship (7 years after divorce) and I have been ecstatic all day. And I am an avid fan of Sex and the City.
ReplyDeleteWhile we are on Sex and the City...Charlotte, the one constantly concerned with finding a husband and settling down, is my least favorite character. Samantha, who refuses to settle down and has several sexual partners an episode, is my favorite. It isn't because she has all the fun she wants with men (contrary to popular belief), but because of all the women on that show, she is single and loving it. She is successful, beautiful, and SINGLE and she is more than okay with it. I look up to that woman!
Yet, at the same time, it is fun to share your life with someone. Friends obviously fall into that category, but an intimate partner connects with you on a level that friends do not. I don't know. I am 20 years old and I feel doomed sometimes because I have not ever had a serious relationships. Yet like Samantha, I enjoy my single life. I am doing stuff I love, with the people I love, and not having a man to "complete" me is a-okay.
I think I am the perfect example of this double bind... :(
But look at you Steph. You are in a relationship yet still maintain a sense of self--your independent and beautiful self. You are still enjoying doing what you love and doing it how you want to, and yet are still in an intimate and serious relationship. It is possible. I believe it when I see you. And I've read far too many feminists essays and writings that tell me that it is impossible, but sometimes, I'll admit it, some feminists are wrong. :) haha.
Ok this is, again, way too long of a comment.
LOVE YA!
I absolutely love your statement about Samantha! That is why so many people cannot stand her, because she goes completely against all stereotypes of women and actually ENJOYS it. I'm so glad that you saw through the facade that some people would like to create about that. I also completely agree with you, Charlotte is my least favorite and Samantha is the best :)
ReplyDeleteI think that people shouldn't go looking for a relationship. It's great if you have one, but there is nothing wrong if you don't! So I would say that you shouldn't worry at all about not having a serious relationship at 20. In my experience these things are better left to fall in your lap instead of actively searched out.
I would hope that I still maintain my independence! That has always been my goal when it comes to my relationship. I know that I depend on Tony a lot and spend a lot of time with him, but that is because of mutual attraction and a deep friendship than really anything else.
But at the same time, I don't want someone thinking for me or dictating how I am going to live my life. My career and my studies will always come first, at least at this point in my life and I would want his to be the same. We didn't come to college to find our husbands and wives, though sometimes I feel that too many people at CSB/SJU do just that. Now that we're hitting grad school, it's going to be interesting to balance a relationship and our studies. I'm making the goal of at least one night being dedicated to just us hanging out. I doubt I will get any more time than that, lol!
Thanks for the wonderful comment, Ash! I enjoy reading and replying them!!! :D