New Blog (Sorry!)

Hello everyone,

I apologize but I have found a new blog that seems to fit my needs better.  It's a site called Posterous which allows easier and quicker posting.  I have trouble with updating blogs so hopefully this will help me!  You will find the link below so please subscribe to the RSS feed or bookmark the site!  I am updating on there a lot more often than here.  It's like the perfect marriage between Twitter and blogging.

See you around and I will still be keeping updates on your blogs!

http://stefka.posterous.com/

Adoptee Rights Day

This coming Tuesday (July 21st) is Adoptee Rights Day.  I find it so fitting that this is near the time that I was born and adopted.  The end of July is always a time for me to reflect, even harder than I usually do, about my adopted status in the world.  My birthday always rolls around and I always think about my birth parents a lot.  I'm sure they are out there somewhere also wondering about me on my birthday too.  It's been 22 years this year since I have seen my real parents, and since they have seen me.

But, finding them wouldn't be so difficult, did you know that?  Right now, with the laws and "confidentiality" rules in place to protect my parents' rights I can get no further than my adoption agency telling me they didn't want their contact information given out to me.  But there is another way.  Locked away in the files and files of the Utah Vital Records is my birth certificate.  My REAL birth certificate.  The one I am holding in my hands right now is what the government wants me to think is the real one.

Issued weeks after my real birth, it has my adopted parents name as my real parents and the name my adopted parents gave me as my real name.  But somewhere in Utah there lies my actual birth certificate, issued when I was born.  It has the name my parents gave me when I was born and my birth parents' names.  It is all right there, but I am not allowed to see it.  My own birth certificate.

This is what Adoptee Rights Day is focusing on this year.  We are demanding our rights to see our real birth certificates.  They are ours and we should have the full rights like all Americans to see our own birth certificates.  I could go on and on about this, but a member from an adoptee rights forum I am currently a participator in formulates it better.  This is a comment regarding adoptive parents and their often selfish motives to make adoption all about themselves.  This is has been made apparent from the soon-to-be-released movie, "Orphan" which had a little bit of a poorly-worded tagline and what this current member is replying to.

You see, this little line: "It must be hard to love an adoptive child as your own."has the self-absorbed adoptive community so lathered up that it is laughable.  I find it so interesting (and plain disgusting) how these people are so concerned about one line in a movie but could care less that their adoptive children are treated as second-class citizens in this country.  

Adoptees in 44 states in this country have our birth certificates permanently sealed from us upon our adoption.  (The cry babies that are writing to you about your movie as the ones who get to have their names put on our (adoptees) "Amended" birth certificates listing them as our (adoptees) biological parents.)  These falsified documents are what adoptees are forced to use as "legal" identification for the rest of their lives.  Our original birth certificates containing our birth names and names of our biological parents are forever sealed from us in some dusty, vital records vault.  Our heritages, and our true ethnicities are forever sealed from us.  This is a violation of an adopted person's civil rights.  Does anyone in the adoptive parent camp protest this?  Nope.  Why?  Because it suits them. 

It is time for true change to a system that hasn't updated itself since the 50s in some instances.  It is time for adoptees to stop accepting a life that wasn't even their choice.  It is time for us to have the same freedoms and stop being victims to our parents' own immaturity.  I refuse to pay for the sins of my parents by having my own identity being stolen and hidden from me, among other things.  I DEMAND MY REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE NOW!

Please, join me and others like me on July 21st and demand that adoptees be given equal rights to know a part of ourselves that was stolen and locked away.  We already have enough to deal with as children of adoption and foster care such as mental illness, physical disability and abandonment and behavioral issues.  Please, help us gain some control in life where it was robbed from us by selfish adults.  Demand to your local state government and to our national government that adoptees rights must be given.

Moving to Denver

It has certainly been a while since I have updated this blog. My life has been pretty busy though, so it's understandable that I wouldn't really have time to comment about things that have come my way recently.

Today is Day 4 of living in Denver, CO (as if there is any other Denver out there that matters :P) and so far it has been blissful, but stressful at the same time. This is independence at it's finest and most problematic, so it has been an interesting adjustment. Besides a little monetary boost from the parentals before moving out here, I am all on my own with everything. Some things have been trial and error, but I am feeling great about finally being "grown up" enough to be on my own (and far enough from home that I have no other option but to stick it out!).

I am also living with my fiance for the first time. We have basically spent every single day and night together since we started dating, but this is the first time we are actually co-owners of a place. Despite what most people might believe, this is actually a new situation for both of us. We have to combine both our spaces and preferences into one area. While we have similar tastes in most aspects, there are areas that we do differ on and it has been interesting to figure those things out. But, it has been a lot of fun setting up a place where we own everything and being really independent. Once we finish all of the unpacking (and there is still a lot to go), I will be so excited to share pictures of our new place! However, we are already looking for a new apartment for next summer because we are looking for more of a long-term place to stay, instead of the "temporary-ness" that comes with being on-campus. Luckily the University area has TONS of options for very close off-campus apartments, so I don't think we will be having much of a problem. I love being in a metro area for graduate school! It makes life so much easier!

Other than unpacking and getting adjusted to the new place, there really isn't much else going on in my life. Some interviews for my field internship are coming up (one at Kaiser Permante on Monday!) and I am going to begin the process of looking for a job next week as well. One of my father's contacts is here in Denver and he agreed to help me look for a job. We will see what comes up!!!

Happy 4th of July everyone! I hope everyone enjoys their weekend off :)

"Choosing Not to Keep the Baby"

I was watching my Twitter feed update earlier today and came across this interesting article from a section of the NY Times that I never pay attention to.  As an adopted adult and current manager of an adoptee Twitter feed and website (both need updating soon!), I saw this title as a potential one to share for a good debate.  Little did I know, that it would strike a harder chord than I thought.

Everyone can check out the article here.  The rest of the blog post will be about my own personal thoughts regarding it, so read the article and come back if you're interested.

As a woman, I believe that all women should be strictly pro-choice.  I am an avid supporter of the woman's right to choose and believe that women, in regards to anything sexual or pregnancy-wise, have the final say.  When men start carrying around a kid for nine months, I will change my opinion but for now that remains solidified.

So as you can guess from the article, I do support Emmie's right to choose to have an abortion.  However, I found myself feeling upset at her decision to do so.  She is in my exact position right now; a 22 year old woman starting graduate school for something she loves.  I have told myself numerous times that if I was to get pregnant around this time that I would have no other choice but to abort the child, even with the solid and stable relationship that I have now (which Emmie does not have).  There are just too many variables and I would not be a good mother, nor my fiance a good father.  No matter what would happen, that child would not stay with us.

In my mind it was completely unreasonable to give the child up for adoption, not because of the same reasons that Emmie discusses, but because I know.  I know exactly what it is like to be in that situation and I wouldn't wish this willingly upon anyone else.  How could I look my own flesh and blood in the face if they happened to find me and then have them find out that I was adopted too.  To know exactly what they are going through and then send them away just the same.  But I digress..a little bit.

While I support and am glad that Emmie had the choice for what she wanted to do with her child, I cannot seem to agree with her decision.  Her reasoning and logic seem off-center to me.  How can you say that you won't give the child up for adoption because you love them so much, but then talk about your selfish desires for your life and then abort the kid for that reason?  She seems to say that she deeply loves her child, but then suddenly turns around and says she needs to be selfish in life so it justifies the abortion.

When thinking about this it comes down to one thing or another; do you want your child to have the good life, or do you want the good life for yourself?  Emmie seems to think that she now has the best of both worlds and that the child is just as happy as well.  I can't tolerate a woman who thinks that abortion or adoption will be good for both parties, both options are just as bad!  Abortion is the easy way out, it's the immature and selfish thing to do.  Adoption is a much more difficult path and requires maturity, responsibility and strength.  Granted, not all abortions or adoptions are like this but in Emmie's case it is.

I am so frustrated by mother's opinions that "Oh, adoption would be too difficult for me so I don't think that I could do it." The problem is, adoption isn't about you.  Adoption is solely about your child and the new future it will be given.  For some women in this situation, it is very difficult for them to get beyond their own feelings and thoughts (even normal pregnant women are impossible to tolerate because of this).  And that is the only reason why adoption is not a "realistic" option for them.

I say this world needs to get over its whole "blood-line" and "but I want to have my own baby" bullcrap.  A family is subject to interpretation and just because you may or may not be biologically related to the person should have nothing to do with your relationship to them.  How on earth can we justify marrying someone outside your family and not accepting a child from another person?  If anything, the young child should be more readily accepted into a household than a complete adult stranger.  Think about it.

But this has so much to do with societal standards, patriarchy, class systems, race and everything else that makes our world such an ugly place.  Thoughts such as Emmie's and the aforementioned issues are what keep adopted children hidden from society.  We have our own problems and are own issues to deal with that other children do not.  But because of such a negative attitude towards adoption, no one except the ones involved really care at all.

If Emmie was graduate student-worthy, she would have made a different decision.  If she is able to handle the load of a graduate student, then she should have the logic and reasoning to understand that adoption would have been the better choice (but not the best) for both parties.  In this whole situation, both mother and child would be miserable no matter what choice was made.  However, I believe that the child could have had a better life if Emmie had chosen adoption instead of aborting, if that is really what Emmie truly wanted (I don't believe for one minute that she did).

Going back to my decision, this article has proved a great lesson for myself without having to actually be involved (thank god).  By putting myself in her shoes and actually thinking out the decision, I would rather give my child up for adoption than abort it.  I still fully support and am so thankful for the choice to do either, but I think my own personal thoughts would lead me to give the child a life.  Yes, it would tear me up inside and I would be miserable for a long time but I would be comforted that my child did get that good life that I so desperately wanted it to have.  I know it will have difficulty, just like myself, but perhaps that would make me a better birth parent than most.  I would want the child to live a life without me, but if they did come looking for me I would hope that I could help them to better cope with it.

But for now, I can only hope that I never have to come to such a difficult decision.  These are the good life lessons, kiddos!  Read the news more! Ha ha...

Target Women

Last night was on iChat with my very good friend Emily, and we were watching numerous clips from the Current TV's Infomania segment, Target Women.  For anyone interested in women's rights and a feminist view on our current media, these 3-4 minute clips are perfect for you!

I absolutely adore Sarah Haskins.  She's is an excellent comedienne and a very dedicated feminist in a society where we are beginning to see some backlash against feminism.  She deserves so much more recognition for her work and she is a very personal heroine of mine (this is coming from someone who doesn't have many!).

I could go on and on about how wonderful Target Women and Sarah Haskins are, but there are no better words than to actually see a few of my favorite clips!  Unfortunately, Blogger isn't the greatest when it comes to having videos on a blog page.  So please click the links below for my favorite clips and ENJOY!

Target Women: Vampires

Target Women: Chick Flicks

Target Women: Carl's Jr.

Target Women: Wedding Shows

Target Women: Your Garden

These are just a FEW!  Keep searching on YouTube and you will find them all!  Each one is amazing and I am absolutely in love with the segment!  I literally want to have Sarah Haskin's babies, no doubt! ha ha

Single vs. Committed?

Recently I have seemed to encounter a lot of comments regarding which status in life might be better; being single or in a relationship?

On Facebook we can find numerous quizzes about when we will have children, when we will get married, or what engagement ring would be right for us.  People on Facebook also love to announce their relationship status or comment when it isn't going well.  This prompts others to comment regarding their status and what that means for them.  These days, it seems that everyone online has an opinion about being single or being in a relationship.

I was recently reading on the Psychology Today blogs that singlehood is often negatively portrayed in media and in social terms.  Those who have been single for a long time (and are probably older adults) are often thought to be more selfish, uncontrollable and immoral compared to those who are in a committed relationship.  Just watch any episode of Sex and the City and you will realize what I am talking about.

One blogger attempted to address that singles are basically the same, it not better, than those who are in a committed relationship.  She explains how couples go to great lengths for their marriage and often go over-the-top to show the world their couple status.  I know from my own personal experience that you can for sure be immoral and uncontrollable even when you're in a relationship.  Our society is so hinged on monogamous relationships that we excuse those who are in one.

I'm certain that this falls back on to religious and patriarchal ideals of the past.  Women are supposed to be married in order to have children and provide for their husbands.  This is how it has been for years upon years now.  We all know how severe the backlash is against someone who is homosexual or a woman who considers herself feminist, because that goes against traditional view of relationships and how important they are.  Hence, a women (or a man) who is single by the time they are late 20s or early 30s has something the matter with them.  I completely disagree.

Since when did our status and success in life matter if we had a family or significant other?  If men and women are now supposedly given the same opportunities to advance in the workplace, have the same education, and have a choice about their romantic life, then why are we so caught up with marriage and families still?  (I'm sure you understand that women still don't have these opportunities, but many traditionalists would want you to think so).  Why would we push our daughters and sons through expensive college educations and tell them to pursue their goals if all we really want from them is to find a mate and get married as soon as possible?  I'm sure I am not the only one that realizes that we're living in a society with bi-polar expectations here.  Be completely independent but co-dependent on another person, having too much of one or the other is wrong in society's eyes.

The point is, there is nothing wrong with being single nor is there nothing wrong with being in a committed relationship.  However, our society often makes it feel like there is something wrong with one area or another.  People feel they need excuses for why they are in either camp.  Why do we cheer when someone falls in love but become upset when a relationship fails?  Shouldn't we be happy either way because the person is finding out what they want in life?

I believe that some people are better off completely independent, without someone else constantly in their lives.  I also believe that some people enjoy the constant company of another person with whom they are compatible with.  And there is nothing wrong with either one of those preferences.  We are living in 2009, not 1599.  It's time we grow out of this expectation that being in a relationship is more important than anything else in this world.  And it's time that either side just relax and accept the other.  Let us all live our lives with our own expectations, not impacted by outside expectations and without throwing our own expectations upon others as well.

Experiences with Uprooting

I am sorry that I really haven't been updating this very much.  Life always finds a way to, well, get in the way.  I attempted to type up a post a couple of days to a week ago about all of my summer projects, but it ended up boring me so I didn't finish it.  But, I found that I couldn't delete it either because of the fact that I had already spent time writing it out.  I suppose after I post this one I will delete the other one.

I just returned from my first trip to Denver, CO.  I was really nervous about flying out there and checking everything out, because of all that I heard about it.  Everyone who knows the area seems to adore Denver, and I was frightened that my positive view of it would be a let-down and I would be unhappy.

For me, location is everything.  If I am not happy where I am located, then I am going to be miserable the rest of the time I am there.  Perhaps it stems from being rudely uprooted from my home state and being forced to come to a place and culture so different from what I knew.  Perhaps it isn't really a perhaps, but a complete certainty.  Now that I have control in my life, I refuse to be placed somewhere that I don't enjoy.  Location is everything to me, and I will be damned if I don't like where I am located.

This is not to say that I regret moving to Minnesota.  Well, let me rephrase that; I do not regret moving.  The experience that I learned from moving to somewhere so different from what I was used to has changed me in profound ways.  I know so many of my friends and acquaintances that can barely move out of their own hometowns without having great anxiety, let alone move out of state.  I think that they are really missing out on a huge experience.  Without challenging your thoughts on how the world operates and seeing the world through a different culture, how can you possibly grow?  I applaud the students that took the plunge and moved out of state for college, that takes a maturity and a sense of learning and wonder that I wish more people had.  I believe they have learned more about themselves and how to look at the world around them than someone who went to a college close to their homes.

Because of being uprooted from the place and culture that I loved, I feel that I am no longer content with just staying in one place.  When I was given the chance to apply out of state for grad school, I took that and ran with it.  I applied to numerous areas I had never been to before, including Denver.  I knew I needed a change of scenery and I needed to put myself out in the open once again.  I needed to feel vulnerable, scared and self-reliant.  There is a sense of adventure and thrill when you go somewhere you have never been to before.  I seek that desperately now.

I don't know if I will actually stay in Denver for the rest of my life.  I enjoy it enough that I could, but there are still so many places I want to go and experience.  Being uprooted from my home has created this inside of me, and I would only hope that more people would develop this.  Home is where you call it, not where family is or where you originated from.  If you are attached and insanely close to your family, there is nothing wrong with staying near them.  But, I feel that those are the people that need to explore and live somewhere else the most.  Challenging our thoughts and seeing how others live allows us to grow and become mature.  Otherwise we would remain closed-minded people who can only understand our own point of view.  The US is such a diverse place compared to most countries, it's almost a sin to not explore other areas and live somewhere else for a while.

Either way, each person has their own way to live.  But, I would encourage everyone to really focus on getting out of their comfort zones every once and a while.  Do something you would never do, go somewhere you never wanted to go.  The negative feelings are only temporary and the thrill and excitement you experience will really change how you view the world!  I had a very difficult time with moving to Minnesota, but I thirst for those experiences again in my life.  Now that I have taken the plunge with this, I feel that I will never be content just sitting and being in one place ever again.

Disruption of a "Room of my Own"

This vacation has been a complete wash, which I should have figured when it comes to being with my family.  The only positive moments I have had were the ones when I was alone with my own thoughts.  If it wasn't for those brief moments to myself, I think I would have lost my mind the second day of this vacation.

There is so much that I wish to blog about, but unfortunately I am experiencing the inability to write or express myself because I do not have a room of my own. :)  I have not had a single moment to myself since we arrived here last Friday.  I am always surrounded by someone and as a result, I cannot reflect on my own thoughts and get them down into physical words.  There is always someone talking (even if it's just talking to themselves like my mom and sister do) so I try and focus by listening to music on the headphones.  Unfortunately that does not help because they often talk to me anyway while I am listening to my music and get pissed when I don't respond to them.  All in all, I have no privacy and no time to reflect on my own thoughts without being interrupted or distracted.

I have learned through these couple of days about how important having a "room of my own" or at least some private time is so important to me and my ability to express myself.  I am having such a difficult time on this vacation because I have lost my own time and privacy.  I can't imagine being trapped with my family in a small space for longer than this week.  But there are so many out there that do this on a daily basis for their entire lives.  Knowing my personality and my attitudes toward my family, I am so blessed to have this invasion of privacy and lack of creativity be only temporary.  I can only imagine if someone tried to make me do this for longer than this week.  I would rather die.

This whole vacation has been terrible and I cannot wait until it is over.  But I am glad that I have learned a lot more about myself through this (and at least pulled something good out of all this mess).  I have learned that I am no longer the child my parents cared for, that I am completely ready to be off on my own and start a new chapter in my life sans family, that I need a "room of my own"and finally, that family vacations are now a very bad idea. :)

Some of my Favorite Photos

I am a fan of photography.  I can't afford a nice and good quality camera, so I try to do the best with what I have been given.  Here is just a sample of some of my favorite pictures that I have taken throughout the years.  They are going from most recent to oldest.  These are just a few for now!!!  Enjoy!!!

Some Wedding Considerations

Last night was my cousin Erin's wedding.  It was a very beautiful and classy event and the newly married couple looked so happy.  It was also a very important event for me as well, because it is the first and probably last wedding I will attend before my own.

Knowing this, I paid extra attention to how this whole event was planned out.  It is going to be a Catholic wedding for the most part, despite the fact that both Tony and I are non-believers.  I want to be married in a church by someone that has known me since I was a child, and I feel that not having a Catholic wedding would be too much for both sets of families.  Erin's was also a Catholic wedding and so I got a good taste for what a Catholic wedding involves.  I have three grievances with it:

1) God.  Yup, for someone who is atheist it is going to be pretty difficult for a priest to refer to me as a "believer" and to talk about living in "God's grace" and "following God's will".  For every other atheist this would probably be a breaking point for them, but I am willing to fake it for the sake of my and Tony's parents.  I know it sounds underhanded and why should I fake something that important, but right now I don't see any other alternative.  Ideally I would not want a religious ceremony, but my family is VERY good at making my life miserable when I don't follow along with their traditions.  We will see, though it did make me seriously consider if I wanted a religious ceremony.

2) Patriarchy.  The Catholic Church is VERY good at this.  Erin and Brian did a good job of removing most of the male-dominated readings and whatnot ("Wives, obey your husbands" etc.), but you cannot really change what the priest is required to say by Catholic dogma.  There were subtle comments and words used that rubbed me the wrong way, often hinting at the woman's role for having children (see final grievance) and the role of the woman to be submissive and the male's role to provide.  Finally, the couple is introduced after their marriage as Mr and Mrs. Male's Name.  Not once was Erin's name mentioned after they were introduced as a couple and that bothers me.  I don't mind taking the man's name after marriage (though I think women should have that choice on whether or not to do that), but I want my name to be included when we are introduced.  Just saying the male's name implies that I am now owned by him.

2.a)  This brings me to a small side note.  I am also bothered by the "giving away" of the bride by the father.  I am not very close to my father as it is and I certainly don't appreciate this idea of a father "owning" his daughter and then putting "ownership" to the new husband.  Although my father might be a little insulted, I refuse to have him "give me away".  I am owned by no one and I want to walk down to my future husband by myself.  That way it symbolizes the independence of both parties before our union.

3) Children.  It is no secret that I don't like kids.  I think one day I will want to have children, but not for a very long time.  My fiance knows, understands and agrees with me.  As such, I am not going to use a flowergirl or ringbearer for my wedding.  It's just too cutesy.  Erin chose the same thing and I was glad for that.  Additionally, during the Catholic wedding the reference to having children was pretty apparent.  It was like nothing else mattered for the new couple than to have children that would also grow in the Catholic way.  It almost sounded like they were desperate for new blood.  Anyway, if I could change that I would have possibly ONE reference to that, instead of the four or five times it was mentioned during the 45 minute ceremony.  I am NOT a baby-making factory and yes, I am going to use contraception (gasp!) before and after I am married.  I didn't go to two very expensive and good quality higher education facilities to just be like, "Oh, I guess now my only goal is to have as many children as God allows".  Hell no.  You'd have to rip my profession from away my cold dead hands after I worked so hard to get where I am. 

So this wedding was for sure a learning experience as well as a celebration for me.  I am so glad that I went, both to see my extended family and celebrate as well as to learn more about what I want in my wedding.  Now I am convinced that a Catholic wedding is not really what I want, but there are still some qualities to it that I find very important for when I get married.  I am probably going to have a pretty tough decision.

Sorry for the bitch-fest when it comes to the wedding.  I am glad that I am getting some of my preferences really down though, this is will be very helpful when it comes to planning our own.

My Mother

Alice Walker asks women in her essay, "In Search of Our Mother's Gardens" to think back through our mothers in history.  Virigina Woolf also states a similar claim that women need to search back through other women to find our true history.  Given that I am basically trapped with my mother for the next week (on "vacation"), I have taken some time today to reflect on this.

My mother came from a household that was run independently.  Her own mother did not raise her per se, as she always locked herself in her room and never really came out.  Being the eldest daughter in a family of 8, she took it upon herself to raise her younger siblings.  My mom's father was an abusive alcoholic who was never around.  They were hovering around the poverty line and my mom took the first chance she could to escape from it all.  She finished college part-time while working as a registered nurse.  Then she married my father, who is a doctor, and hasn't worked a day since my sister was adopted.

Knowing her background, I can understand where we would butt heads.  I am an independent, self-reliant young woman who enjoys privacy.  She is a group-centered, family-oriented, social and public person.  We rarely have anything in common.  She likes to talk, I am extremely quiet.  She always has to be around someone, I'd prefer to be alone.  She's extremely religious and I am atheist.

I hate to say it, but my mother had made me this way.  Every single thing she has done to change me has been met with adverse reaction.  But, I understand her need to be a controlling mother.  Her own mother didn't care about her and locked herself away.  Because I also enjoy privacy and being alone, she freaks out whenever I start acting similar to her mother.  This is why we can never get along.  I am too much like her mother and she vowed to never be her mother.  Seeing me acting private, disconnected and quiet, she sees everything that she never wanted to be.  I can probably assume that she thinks that she failed as a mother, because I am turning into hers.

There is nothing wrong with the way that I am.  This is just how I have developed.  If my mother didn't have such a difficult life, there probably wouldn't be anything wrong with her either.  But the anger, the defensiveness and the hate she feels for her upbringing falls upon us, and I am held up to expectations that given my personality I will never achieve.  She doesn't know how to communicate and as a result I didn't learn how to communicate.  She didn't know how to express her anger properly and as a result I didn't either.  Looking back at myself through my mother, I realize just what went wrong for the two of us.

It wasn't until college (and being away from my family) that I learned that I didn't have to become like my mother, and that I don't have to put up with her nonsense.  I learned how to communicate and how to express my anger in appropriate ways.  It took college to have me "un-learn" being my mother.  But, I can still learn about my history through my mother, and learn not to repeat it.

I also think my mother did listen to Walker's advice as well, even though she has never read the essay.  By seeing her mother and vowing to never become her she looked at her history through her mother.  I would completely agree with my mom that she is nothing like her mother.  In a way I am continuing the tradition in this sense, and I hope that by learning and looking through my mother that I can not repeat what has been done.

I know that not everyone has this experience with their mothers, and there is nothing wrong with my experience in comparison to another's.  This is because they don't compare.  Every single woman has a very different experience through her mother, and those experiences impact the next generation and so on.  We cannot compare our familial relationships with another's, because we all come from different backgrounds and are affected differently by it.  This might be something interesting for me to remember if I end up working with families.

Anyway, that's enough reflection on my mother for now.  This vacation is exhausting, and it hasn't even been a two days yet!  I've got a whole week to go...

My Feelings of Abandonment and Adoption

I currently manage a small blog about adoptees and their struggles.  It is still getting out on it's feet, but the feedback I have received from it has been astounding.  As a result, some of my thoughts tonight have been returning back to my struggle with being adopted.  This is a daily struggle.

The feelings of abandonment and loss of identity is so powerful that words cannot describe it.  Those who are born and live with their biological parents are pampered with these feelings of security and certainty that they were brought into the world with love and with an understanding of their background.  Adopted children cannot afford such luxuries.  Sometimes even the most trivial things about families remind us that we don't belong.

I understand that I might sound spiteful, but adoption is not a process that anyone wins in.  Sure, lives are improved and I certainly would not be where I am today if not for adoption.  But, the cost upon the birth parents and the child is immense.

Imagine the pain of a mother who has lost her child, not to death, but to a life where they will never see each other again.  Knowing that every child she sees might be her own, but she would never know.  Imagine the pain of a child who has lost both of their parents, and not knowing why they were abandoned.  The realities of rape, incest, trafficking, abuse and pain flood their thoughts when they think about their birth.  Imagine walking through your entire life wondering what made you so horrible that your parents shoved you on someone else.  The emotions and the raw pain both parties feel is overwhelming.  I am sure each one of us adoptees and birth parents have spent a moment or two wailing alone because we just can't comprehend the pain.

Many people ask me if I want to see my birth mother and father.  I do.  I need a closure on something that I have never been allowed to have.  I want to look my mother and my father in the face and confront them with the consequences of their actions.  To have them look at the pain they have caused me, and to see the success I reaped because of my will to survive.  I am here and happy in this world in spite of all they put against me.  I do not wish to have a relationship with them.  I merely want them to know that I am okay and that their painful sacrifice has given me a chance to succeed.

But will I ever forgive them?  No.

I understand the possible circumstances that led to my adoption, but that does not mean their actions should be forgiven by me.  Mine was an innocent life they chose to punish with abandonment and loss of identity.  By being irresponsible, they not only bought pain and suffering upon themselves but upon an innocent child.  They hid themselves behind confidentiality and left me no contact information when I came asking about them.  I know they are ashamed of themselves and hope that my life is better without them.  It is.

But I want to do something I didn't have a chance to when I was born - to look at them straight in the face with the knowledge of an adult and then have them justify what they did.  Imagine yourself at 37 years of age (my birth father's current age) and having a woman only 16 years younger than yourself waiting for an answer for why you were never in her life.

I wonder if they can even look at themselves in the mirror each morning.

There are just so many painful questions I wish I could ask my birth parents.  At times my heart is filled with so much hate and spite that I cannot control the pain of abandonment.  Other times my heart is warm with understanding and love for the mother that carried me for nine months.  In this critical time where I have accomplished what most only dream of accomplishing, my heart is so torn over what to feel.  I cannot forgive right now.  If I ever see them in this situation, I will only want to see them to make them pay.  I hope that by seeing my face and my disgust at them, they will truly understand the consequences of their actions and that their hearts will bleed for the pain they have caused me.  For now that is all that I want.  My entire birth was completely out of my control and yet I pay for it every single moment of my life.  By making them pay for their consequences, I feel that I could have some way of controlling my life for once.

I apologize for the dark and spiteful nature of this post, but such is the thoughts of one that has felt abandoned by her parents for 21 years.  I hope that by channeling these emotions and feelings when I am working on my Masters that I can heal.  This is why I am so motivated to work in adoption, because no one else but other adoptees can understand the painful process of adoption to the affected children.

I am spent for tonight.  A new topic tomorrow!!!

Lying

When did it become human nature to lie to others?

I have not yet heard of any animals that "lie" to one another, so clearly this must have been something we thought up after we acquired our so-called "higher intelligence".  However, it must have some roots in evolution (at least in a social sense) because of the fact that everyone lies at some point or another.

As children, we are taught that we must always tell the truth.  But soon, a child's honesty is reprimanded because they are often "too honest".  After that, we learn the beauty of the "white lie" and when it is appropriate to tell the truth and when it isn't.  Soon, we all develop into passive-aggressive individuals who yearn to listen to our inner child, but have experienced enough of the world to suppress such urges.  No wonder it is so difficult to maintain friendship and loving relationships, we want so much to tell the truth but we cannot fully express the truth without losing our friendships.  I know that this ironically leads to me losing friendships anyway.

When we are taught as children that lying is wrong, I wonder what has made it so wrong.  In some cases, it is obvious that we should not deceive people.  But what about the grey areas?  If we encourage our children (and ourselves) to be polite and respectful people through omitting comments and white lying, where is the line drawn?  Why can't we either tell the truth or not tell it?  I don't understand how this all became such a complicated measure.  Too many times have we encountered such dilemmas and often either choice results in negative consequences.

Then perhaps we should learn to avoid the whole process together.  Find out when a situation requires us to lie or tell the truth and then avoid such actions.  But then we realize that every single sentence, phrase, or thought we have can either be a lie or a truth.  Sometimes we can even lie to ourselves.

So where on earth is the "real world" in this complicated mass of lies and truths?  What on earth do we know and what do we really not know?  Each person has the choice of telling a lie or a truth and that could have a large impact on how we view our world.  What is a lie and what is a truth?  Could my view of a truth be someone else's lie?  Quite possibly.

How subjective our view of the world is.  I am convinced that there exists no "real world" or a universal acceptance of what our world is.  Perhaps when we break up into nothingness we will move beyond such trivial ways of communicating and truths and lies will cease to exist completely.

What do you think?  Are there universal lies and truths?  Or is our method of communicating with ourselves and others completely up to our own interpretation at all times?